Her Shoe
by ThatBigBlueBox
Summary: Throughout all his lives, he never could get rid of her shoe. {Series of drabbles, Doctors 1-13}
1. Chapter 1

" _You can't expect him to say goodbye to Susan and forget about her the next minute." -Barbara Wright, "The Rescue"_

In the weeks after the Doctor left his granddaughter in a wartorn Earth with a man she had only just met, he wonders how she walked back to the rebel base with only one shoe.

It's these kind of anxieties that makes him regret his decision to force the girl- no, the woman- into adulthood. Did she cut her foot on the way back? Did David help her? Would he take care of her? Love her? Had the Daleks destroyed her already, making all of these worries in vain?

He keeps her shoe a secret in a little drawer under the TARDIS console. That way, Barbara and Ian can't bother with it. They worry enough about him, simply due to his physical appearance, but he can't be bothered to explain to the humans aboard the ship that his true age was far beyond their perspective of his physical age. No, he's far too tired most days for that. They already thought he was senile.

The night after the pair leaves him, he's eternally grateful to the Universe that Vicki and Steven either didn't or pretended not to see the tears glassing over in his eyes, clutching her shoe to his chest in an attempt to cling to the last physical memory of Susan that he had left.

He tries to remember what he told her: _no regrets, no anxieties_ , but with Ian and Barbara gone, there's no one left who can remember her smile, the melodic ring of her laugh, the sparkle in her eyes as she teased him about being too slow. He never minded. Not really. He would give anything to have her back now. But it was too late. All he had now was a fraying, broken shoe and his memories.

They seemed to grow more and more grey by the microspan.


	2. Chapter 2

_Victoria: "You probably can't remember your family."_

 _The Doctor: "Oh yes, I can when I want to. And that's the point, really. I have to really want to, to bring them back in front of my eyes." -"Tomb of the Cybermen"_

He wants to forget her, after the regeneration.

It's a new body, a new life. This him is younger, more… foppish, more personable, really. He blames it on all the humans he'd interacted with in his first life. And when Victoria asks him about his family, the wounds come back with a vengeance. It's not the same as her situation, he knows. Susan is alive and well- he hopes- and with one who loves her- he also hopes. But when they arrive back at the TARDIS, after the ordeal with the Cybermen and after his companions had gone to wander the neverending ship, he fiddles with his recorder and slides open the drawer where he keeps her shoe.

He blows out a few mournful notes on the instrument, but he hits one wrong, and the recorder gives an unpleasant shriek of disdain. Smiling ruefully, he lowers it and stares down at the shoe that has been half covered with wires and tools and other junk he had thrown into the drawer in a hurry. He clears it away from the shoe, brushing his fingers over the material.

The conversation with Victoria today had brought Susan back into his mind in a rush. Suddenly, he had begun to wonder how she would react to this regeneration. Would she like his new self? He was far less grandfatherly in this body. Would she be as entertained as he was by his recorder? Would she enjoy the company of his new companions? Would she still call him 'Grandfather,' or would his appearance divert that title? Would she care for him at all?

He shakes his head, giving a soft, strained chuckle. Too many thoughts like these makes the temptation to go back and visit his granddaughter all too tangible. Hence, the reason why he has to lock her away, deep in his memories, held tight for nights like these, where he allows himself to sink in these bittersweet memories whilst preventing himself from drowning in them.

He brushes his thumb over the tattered laces once again, swallowing his grief and closing the drawer again. He shouldn't dwell on these things for too long. He swipes some tears from his eyes. She wouldn't want him to be wallowing like this. He plays a more cheerful tune on the recorder, and he goes to find Jamie and Victoria, hoping they hadn't gotten into too much trouble. Rassilon knew what would happen if they stumbled upon some of the more… volatile rooms of the TARDIS.

"There it is, then," he mumbles to himself, smiling tiredly through runs on his instrument. "Always looking after someone."

This lightens his mood slightly, because if he has people to look after, perhaps Susan has the same.


End file.
